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rokkettodanSummary: Part 5(?) of the Blind!Sollux thing I've been writing recently. This got a lot more feely then I expected.
THIS EPIC HAST BEEN REWRIT BY THE GODS OF DOOM
Word Count:Goddamn, this once scene is 4221 words long Caitlin love me, you have 7875 words to entertain yourself with
Notes: at the asterisk, know that "omfg the chorus of in the arms of an angel started playing right now no fucking joke"
More Notes: I kept the asterisk because that shit's perf. Also, it's 5:46 rn sooooooo ye
Humans were a complex simplicity. As a species? They were soft, squishy, too vulnerable to wounds of both the flesh and mind. Should one set of reproductive organs somehow cease to exist the whole species was done for. Their social system was mediocre at best, with too much ambiguity between classes, and too little proof of legitimate heirs. The lot of them were divided in more ways then one, be it language, appearance, location on the planet, religion, and without a worldwide government, he really didn't see how they had expected to survive much longer had the game never happened.
As real life people he talked to on a regular everyday basis? They could be some of the most intelligent, skeptical, foolish, creative, sarcastic, kind, ferocious, and just plain unusual creatures he'd ever had the uncertainty of meeting.
At first he'd attempted to apply the hemospectrum to them, but that quickly fell apart. Their social constructs were much too different, and the fact that their blood was all the same hue as one Karkat Vantas didn't particularly help. The next, most logical step, was to correctly categorize them as lower then the trolls, but something made him feel uneasy about that. Perhaps it was the fact that, despite their blatant inferiority, they'd all managed to go god tier. Not a fraction of them, like the troll players had managed, but all of them. Every single one.
But classification by blood color, even as a comfortable fallback to how life had once been for him, was something he had refrained from once he'd died. Even after being brought back, it lacked the usual importance the system had once held. As much as he hated to admit it, with only 12 trolls in the universe, there wasn't much need for it(especially considering who exactly made up that 12). The only use it had now, was determining power advantages, and who would be doing what work to help them settle onto this new planet. All it seemed to be getting him was the task of moving increasingly heavy objects from one location to the next, and back again.
Not that he minded; he enjoyed being able to showcase his strength as something more than a destructive hindrance. It was reassuring to know that no matter how difficult a time he'd had as a wiggler, he still had a use, or at least something he was good at that no one else excelled in. Not that he was without his competition: he was very surprised to find that, while still weak in comparison to himself, John was able to perform admirable feats of strength for a human. He liked to think privately to himself that, and he been a troll, they would have been of the same caste, and could have possibly gotten along(that wasn't to say that they didn't now, it was just that he found the boy's continuous pranks to be quite taxing, and a tad bit infurating. Luckily, the control over his strength that had come with his aging had also extended to his rage).
Most of his time not spent working or speaking softly with Nepeta in her quarters, were filled up with people watching. It had always been a habit of his, to just watch people as they went about their days, and he wondered occasionally if being born a void player had anything to do with this; even if lately, he'd found his subjects to be less and less appealing.
"It's beclaws you miss Sollicks," Nepeta told him one afternoon. One of the Striders had discovered something on the other end of the island that had required their attention, and with him went several of their taskforce, limiting him to either work on through the lull, or take a break. He decided on the latter and retreated to the kitchen to make a quick snack of some fresh fruit and milk.
Her words, while not exactly untrue, hadn't exactly occurred to him until just that moment, and had adequately caught him off guard. "I'm not sure we're speaking on the same topic," he added after a moment of thought.
"No no, we are," She affirmed, sticking some of his blueberries onto her claws and nibbling them off between her words. "You said so yourself, you're purretty flushed for him. When we were on the meteor, who did you watch the most?"
"Sollux," he admitted, "But that was only because--"
"Ah, ah," A berry to his lips cut him off. He blinked at her, but she just pressed it a little harder and he took it off her claw. "Whether it was because of Aradia, or because of you being co-leader and keeping an eye on our team like it still mattered, or whate--" She paused mid-sentence, her ears twitching ever so slightly as she became absorbed in her surroundings. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, Nepeta listening, and Equius straining to hear... whatever it was she did.
"... Nepet--"
"Shh!" She cut him off again, her eyes sliding closed and her ears revolving slightly. He marveled for a moment, as he always did when she did this. He still couldn't understand how her ears could physically move like that. "Do you hear something?" She asked softly, and he shook his head.
"Nothing," He watched her for a few more seconds, before she relaxed, and removed herself from her crouched position on the kitchen counter. "What was it, do you know?" He inquired, but she just shook her head and stole some more of his berries.
"No idea," She said, popping the fruits into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully around them. "Whatever it was, it's gone now," She turned to regard him again, her mind now back to the subject at hand, and while it was all very clarifying, Eqiuis still wished, even just a little bit, that she'd forgotten so that he could mull over everything on his own a little bit more first. "But whatefur the reason, you were watching Sollicks because something about him kept your attention. We didn't know then, but we do now; and now that he's gone, you're missing him, and it's showing in your lack of enjoyment in the things you really like to do,"
Equius nodded gravely. It did all make sense, if you were attempting to make sense of another mobius double reach around. "I'm just not sure how this all occurred in the first place," he sighed, taking a bite or two before Nepeta relinquished him of all his fruit. "It's udderly ridiculous that I could have feelings for Sollux and Aradia for the same quadrant at the same time," He looked up to her after a moment. "Isn't it?"
"You can't really control your heart, Equius," she murmured, her tongue lapping out to clean her claws of the berry juices. "It does what it wants, and you either keep up or get left behind. With Sollicks..." She shook her head a bit, brushing her long fringe out of her eyes, and Equius reached over dutifully to tuck it behind her ear. She smiled a thank you, and he decided right then and there that he'd give her a haircut by the end of the week.
"With Sollicks, I think you liked him a lot earlier then you realize, but you were focusing all your time and energy on Aradia, and things she wanted to do, and those feelings got buried," Her eyebrows knot a bit, her teeth coming to nibble on her knuckle. "Now that I think about it, this explains a lot of the weird stuff I'd seen..."
"I beg your pardon?" Weird stuff? Whatever was she talking about? It couldn't have been him, could it? Surely she would have mentioned something before now... Nepeta shook her head a bit before continuing.
"I just found it purretty odd that you two were paying so much attention to each other yet the both of you were going out of your way to not even come in visual contact," She shrugged. Equius looked down at his bowl of milk, all the fruit having been devoured between the two of them during their discussion. It wasn't particularly surprising that Sollux had been paying attention to him. All things considered, he was surprised he hadn't gotten challenged, or even a dirty look(that he'd noticed). Well, that wasn't exactly true, he had gotten the occasional glare, but it mostly took place when he'd had to go and talk the troll into fixing up some computers. He'd always assumed it was because of his relationship with Aradia, once he'd been made aware of their past.
"So what about this disappearance, then?" He inquired, reaching to tuck his hair back behind his ear. It was a lot longer now, and he wasn't so sure if he liked it or not. Nepeta had taken a liking to playing with it in the evenings, and it certainly felt nice to have fingers cart through his hair, but it was also very frivolous, and being frivolous, even if Nepeta insisted he'd earned it, wasn't something he felt to comfortable being at the moment. For work purposes, she'd tied it back in a braid for him to keep it out of his face. He was almost positive she took all the free time she could when his back was turned to play with it. "Would this sort of behoovior be considered off for a troll like Captor?"
"Not really," Nepeta admitted, pulling a tall glass from the cabinet and the milk from the fridge. She filled it to roughly the top, before placing the carton back, and exchanging the glass for his bowl. "Whenefur Aradia and I would flarp, we stopped to check up on him a lot. He was always furgetting to feed himself, and did this weird, half-of-my-think-pan's-asleep-and-the-other's-not thing if he was on a purrgramming binge,"
"I see..." Equius murmured, looking in to his glass before taking several gulps and downing half of it. The best thing about Humans was that the milk they alchemized tasted exactly like hoofbeast milk. It wasn't the same as Arthours, but it still tasted high quality. "So I shouldn't worry, then,"
"Purrobably not," She said before downing the rest of the bowl's berry milk. She mewed a tiny bit, a lot like how she did when her tea was at the correct temperature and sweetness on the first sip. "But you will anyway,"
"Will I, now," He challenged, taking the bowl from her and placing it in the sink. Normally he would have cleaned it out himself, but it was Eridan's turn to do the dishes and a steady pile had already grown for the troll to handle after supper later that evening. "What makes you say that?"
She giggled, hopping out of her chair and bouncing excitably around on her feet. She seemed about ready to head back to work. "I've told you before, Equius," Her smile was just as playful as her footsteps. "You're transpurrent,"
Even with all her words of comfort, Equius still found it difficult for him to close his eyes when night time came. They had all switched over to a diurnal schedule one they'd landed, which had been both difficult and not so much; while he'd always strived to sleep at a decent hour, he knew from personal experience how easily it was for time to slip away into daylight. This was especially prevalent when you considered that all of the trolls were, in every applicable form of the word, adolescents who were usually too deep in their hives at odd hours and had no idea exactly how bright it had gotten outside until after venturing towards the nutrition black for a midday snack.
He was actually thinking of doing just that. Even with mostly adjusting to sleeping when he was used to being up for hours of a time, he still found nights where this bed and his tire were not a strong enough elixir to cast off his wandering mind. There were times when he remembered Arthour, remembered Alternia, remembered that had life continued, their leader would have been culled for being different, Nitram for his disability, Makara for his nonviolence... and while Pyrope stood the best chance of survival, if she wasn't careful, she would have been picked off like all the rest. Peixes would have faced troubles as well. Tyrian or not, the political pressure to keep things the way they were and her wishes to make a more peaceful society when so many trolls just down right enjoyed hurting, enjoyed killing, and maiming, and destruction, would have created a lot of unrest. He knew from how society had worked, that if she hadn't given in to the social norms and taken out her attackers with the swift cold-heartedness their race demanded of their queen, then the pressures would surely tear her apart.
But that was all in the past, all things that were thought of more in conjecture then in any deep seeded dread he may or may not have acknowledged. Instead, he tried to think of other things to take his mind. The garden Jade and Kanaya were dutifully tending, the discoveries Nepeta and Jake returned with and shared every evening they ventured out onto the island, the possibility for intelligent life to already exist, despite the fact they'd yet to discover it(Jade had insisted it was more then possible, it was practically guaranteed; she'd thought her and her grandpa-lusus had been the only humans before her discovery of the internet), they all turned this way and that inside his skull when sleep was especially elusive, but there was more then that.
He worried, mostly; unfounded thoughts rooted in fear rather then careful observation and logic. He worried about the monsters on the island, about the chance his moirail would fail to return from her adventures despite her admirable skill, regardless of how preposterous a notion it was. He worried if Gamzee would try to kill them all again, if Eridan would snap, if Vriska would throw them all under the bus just so she could save them and prove herself a hero-- an unnecessary habit she'd developed early on after she'd first entered the medium. He worried that the kids would turn on them, leave them stranded; worried that even with their collaborative win of the game they'd be driven apart and lose the last bit of sanity they owned.
He worried that they'd never find Sollux.
He spent most of his time trying to reassure himself on this one, because it kept him up more then any of the other topics he allowed himself to mull over. Sollux was reclusive; liked to keep to himself, if he could help it. The only one's he'd even talked to of his own violation in the game had been Feferi, so far as he knew, and he'd tried not to think too much of it at the time, because the thought of someone so high with someone so low had made his insides churn; both because of the situation, as well as the mirror that was his and Aradia's relationship(though that had been a mirror in color distance only. The emotions and inner workings had been much much different). His conversation with Nepeta that afternoon had been another good point. If Sollux were used to going weeks at a time without properly taking care of himself, then he couldn't be too worse for wear. And if Aradia had been truthful that he was only half-alive, then he may not even need to worry about such things like food and sleep at all.
He sat up, legs crossing at the ankles while his hands pushed gently at his eyes and covered up his face. Half-alive was the same as half-dead, and that single thought had negated every uplifting one that had come before it. Any sleep he'd come close to reaching was now out of sight, shot off at light speed into the depths of the outer ring, and into the clutches of some stray horrorterror. It would be a while before he could in good conscience lay down for another shot at rest, but he was lucky enough to have the teachings of a wonderful lusus to work off of, as well as many late nights tinkering on robots until just before dusk. It might not help his worry, but a warm glass of milk might just gift him with enough of a distraction to allow sleep to take it's hopefully dreamless hold.
The steel floor was like ice on his toes, sending shivers along his spine and causing his skin to break out in gooseflesh. He shook his head lightly, more of an involuntary act than anything else, before he stood and stepped lightly towards his wardrobe. It was large, and ornate, and had carvings in the wood that looked like vines, or generic floral shapes. He kept what little clothes he had in there-- a couple sets of his usual outfit, anything Nepeta had alchemized for him-- as well as a couple of trinkets, or spare robot parts he hadn't gotten around to restoring or reusing yet. Once they'd arrived, the kids had gone on a massive undertaking to make pull over hoodies for each of the aspects; a silly idea, or so he'd thought when he found out about it. At the moment, however, the cold was making him rethink this, and he mumbled to himself about it as he manouvered the cloth around his horns and pulled it on. It didn't help his feet, but he resolved to deal with that at a later time-- he only had one pair of clean socks left, and he needed those for tomorrow.
As underclass and uncouth as he felt, he couldn't deny that he was at least warmer. The planet was getting colder too. Three of the humans had started chattering about 'fall', and 'snow', and how they'd need to get the shelters built before the golden ship became their 'snow chamber of ice cube hibernation'. He had no idea what any of this meant, but he assumed it was their way of implying it was only going to get colder. Alternia hadn't been one specific temperature all over-- climate and environment had always been important factors-- but worldwide it had been pretty constant, and to think that giant fluctuations might be in their future was a bit worrysome. The humans didn't seem all that bothered by it, but he'd seen a couple of the trolls exchange worried looks. Each troll dealt with temperature fluctuations differently-- back on Alternia, if it got too cold, Nepeta would forgo her cave for sunbathing, which he'd always thought to be a bit dangerous, but it wasn't like he could have policed it from so far away. His own methods were more along the 'deal with it' category, mostly because such a thing was considered in certain circles of high society as an admirable trait. Still, now that he needn't worry, he supposed he could expand his wardrobe to consist of warmer clothing. He'd have to talk to Maryam about it later.
The trek from his room to the kitchen was very quick paced, as every step made him realize how cold he really was, but was very slow in coming. He still didn't really understand the layout of these halls, a weakness he'd have to remedy soon, but at least getting lost gave his mind a break from all the doubtless worry he'd been plagued with as of late. It was taxing, and if not for his constant vigilance, would have affected his daytime work, which he couldn't have, if only to appease his pride. He liked being useful; it made him feel like his strength wasn't as freakish as several factors in his life usually led him to believe. After all, what sort of troll accidently harms his lusus when trying only to bestow affection?
But that was a thought for another day; in his semi-aware wanderings, he'd managed to locate the kitchen without rousing anyone else from their various states of slumber. In a way this worried him-- if everyone was sleeping deeply, then what if they were attacked at this hour? But then, they weren't in any particular danger of predators if the past couple of days were of any indication, so he didn't bring it up in any of the afternoon meetings Karkat had insisted upon holding at least once a week to gauge their overall progress.
The kitchen hadn't changed fundamentally since earlier that day. It may have been a bit cleaner, with a thicker scent of flour and vanilla in the air, but he'd caught a glance of Feferi and Jane in the kitchen earlier on in the evening, sometime after dinner, so it wasn't that much of a surprise. No doubt they'd been cooking up some assortment of baked goods that they had dutifully hidden away so that those with sticky fingers didn't devour them before the day was through. His nose wrinkled a bit at the strength of it all, his feet taking him to the cabinet the glasses were kept in. He retrieved one for his milk, and ignored the nearby light switch in favor of the moon's natural illumination as he took hold of the refrigerator handle.
Something made him stop, his whole body stilled as the feeling of not being alone finally hit him. His head turned slowly, looking every direction for the source of his unease, and finding everything as it had been seconds before. Nothing had been moved, no one was there... he toed himself out towards the hallway, but it was as barren as when he'd first passed through. He looked around cautiously, a bit suspicious as he returned to the fridge; his footsteps slow and quiet so he could catch anything odd, should it reappear. There were three sprites, he reminded himself, one of which frequented the kitchens often, so maybe it was her? He shook his head to rid himself of any momentary fear. There was no reason for him to be scared of all things. The mere thought was ludicrous.
But it happened again, something pushed him out of his internal comfort zone, made him question what else could possibly be on the ship that he couldn't see. Spirits? No, that didn't make sense, Aradia would have surely mentioned something if she'd met any new 'friends'. The sprites were still a possibility, but they usually showed themselves by now. It was only around the third, fourth, fifth time it happened, that Equius realized what was unbalancing his equilibrium in the first place.
There was a shifting sound, and he couldn't tell where it was coming from.
It was the shift of cloth against cloth, the sound of someone slipping between bed sheets. It wasn't a sound that should be coming from the kitchen, or anywhere nearby the kitchen; all the respiteblocks were in another section of the ship, some even still resided on the meteor(though this was mostly the six trolls who had survived the actual game and spent roughly a sweep and a half making themselves comfortable. Most everyone else took a place on the ship, or moved between the two locations). But he was sure he wasn't just hearing things, he was positive that he was hearing something.
And then, after searching the room with his eyes for the fifth time, his muscles tense with adrenaline, his eyes managed to catch a slight fluctuation in the light. The ceiling was designed to look like a crosshatch grid, but he'd only thought it was an intricate decoration, complete with indentations into the steel. Now that he took a closer look, he found what he'd thought to be mere design was actual ceiling panels, and one was cracked open enough to be noticed. His eyebrows knot as he took tentative steps towards it; what could have fit itself up in there? He couldn't imagine it was any sort of spacious, but then, that might have just been because of his relative size. Whatever was inside didn't seem to notice him, despite his proximity, even after he'd lifted himself up onto the counter. He eased the hatch open a bit more, and while the shuffling grew louder, the light filtering in, as well as two small, beady lights nearby, illuminated enough for him to see that, whatever was up there, was roughly troll sized(or human, really, they weren't that much different) and had a thin, unthreatening build.
He would have thought it was Davesprite if he hadn't already gotten a hint of a foot in the small collection of light he'd managed to allow inside. It was definitely someone; a kid he hadn't yet seen? It was possible, though unlikely. He pushed the hatch open further, giving him enough room to pull himself up and actually get inside. It was actually a bigger space then he'd first imagined-- small, and cramped, but from what he could see, he'd more than likely have just enough room to stretch out like a starfish. He tried to crawl in a bit further, but standing on his knees had his taller horn scraping slightly against the roof, so he had to duck a bit. Once inside, the rustling was louder, and he could see cushions being thrown every which way, some of which he had to dodge. He nearly fell over, which wouldn't have been horrible, as the floor if this block seemed to be cushioned rather well, but his foot caught the door hatch, and before he could unstick himself, he'd sealed off his exit, and plunged the space back into infinite darkness.
"Ah!" He stumbled, jerking a bit at how loud the click had been, when everything else had been as quiet as a whisper. He was a bit embarrassed at his how clumsy he'd been, and he would have had the decency to apologize, if his new companion had even noticed it in the first place. Instead, they were still tossing about cushions, two of which, he managed to catch with his face. In an attempt to gather his wits, one arm came up to shield his face. He was crouching to keep form hitting his horn, and his free hand had just managed to find the source of the small glowing dot of light-- it was a husktop, oddly enough-- and open it.
Light flooded the small block, and Equius found himself suppressing a hiss as he was almost blinded. It took a couple of minutes for his eyes to adjust-- he really wished he still had his glasses, they would be a marvelous help about now-- but eventually he could open them again, and thankfully, all throwing of cushions had stopped. Now able to gather his bearings, he looked up to greet his companion, who must have noticed him by now, he was sure, and felt all the words he may have been contemplating leave him without any forewarning.
Sitting not even two feet away, clutching two pillows to his chest like he would die if he let them go, was Sollux. He looked sick, a bit gaunt, not a thing like the Sollux he knew. He was hoping that it was just the computer lighting that made him look like a corpse, but 'half-dead' flashed through his mind, and then his hand was reaching out, and he could see it, looked at it like he wasn't sure what it was doing, but it was headed for Sollux, and he... wasn't really sure he was even there. This was a dream, wasn't it?
But his voice sounded like him, sounded like how he did when he mumbled; a sound Equius hadn't realized he'd paid so much attention to at six sweeps, but it made sense. How else would he notice the slight differences? The rasp that came with little use, the oddity with which he spoke, as if his whole voice had changed and he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself. "Don't even know what I'm getting worked up over..." was all he could make out of the jumble of sounds, the rest of them caught in the pillows he was holding so tightly to himself.
"I was wondering that myself, actually," He'd said before he'd even known he was forming a reply, yet it was softer than expected. This didn't stop Sollux from hearing it, and he froze almost as quickly as Equius had just a minute or two ago when he'd heard an impossible noise from somewhere in the kitchen. He hadn't exactly been the quietest of sleuths, so he wasn't sure how the troll before him could even be surprised by his presence, but he did notice that Sollux had headphones hanging around his neck. They must have slipped off when he'd been digging for cushions. Or maybe he'd been so wrapped up in whatever had worried him, that he'd blocked everything else out.
The tension was thick, pulsing in the air with a righteousness he'd never known an abstract concept to have; through Sollux's shoulders, neck, fingers, every second dragging on into forever and worsening his posture. He seemed angry, guarded, like something horrendously wrong had occurred, and Equius thought for a moment that maybe Sollux didn't want to be found, that, as hard as this would be, perhaps he should leave and try to forget all if this... but then he relaxed, his shoulders falling with a slump, his lips curling into an expression akin to that of bitter understanding before falling forward into the pillow in utter abandon.
When he spoke again, it was to the pillows, words forming for their nonexistent ears that he could only catch a faint meaning from. He leaned a bit closer, straining for something to work off of, something that could tell him how to react, but all he managed to do was add the slightest bit of annoyance to his multitude of confusion. "What are you mumbling about," He hadn't meant ot sound rude, it just came out that way. He'd calmed his rage a good deal within the past sweep or so, but it still surfaced from time to time, and while it was more than likely that his intentions were not to take it out on Sollux, it still happened.
"It's simple," the programmer lifted his head from his cushions, his words dripping with bitter loathing and laughter. "In my isolation, I've let my collective negativity swallow be whole like a voracious hissbeast with its prey, and in the process decided that my fucking up everything was not enough to torture me with, and went ot the new low of conjuring up a hallucination. That would be you,"
A hallu... he couldn't be serious. He must have been joking, he did that occasionally, right? He still sounded off, but the words sounded like something he'd say, still the same self-loathing he'd always suspected was merely for attention, but was now sort of realizing was more serious then it should have been. He'd always known Sollux had a couple of problems, they all did, really, but this was just a bit too overboard to not be some sort of joke. "You... think I'm a hallucination?" He didn't want to think about the implications should Sollux honestly think that.
"Apparition, illusion, delusion, figment of my imagination, take your pick," was the response he received, and his heart constricted just a bit. No, this can't be, couldn't be right. He tried to look into Sollux's eyes, look for the mischievousness they'd held when he'd talk with Feferi back on the meteor a sweep and a half ago... but there was nothing. His eyes were closed, long lashes dusting his cheeks in the artificial light, fringe that had grown too long falling in front of everything, almost like he never used them anymore(he decided that if he were going to cut Nepeta's hair, he should trim Sollux's as well). Another thing that irked him was his lack of glasses. He'd always had them always, and he liked to think that the yellowblood would have cared a great deal about them, if not because they helped his eyes, then because they kept to his love of duality.
He shifted a bit, leaning against the wall as goosebumps broke out across his skin. It reminded Equius of how cold he'd been before, and how this room, didn't seem to have that much insulation. It was smack in the middle of the ship, yeah, but the walls were still cold, still made him shiver when he touched them. Sollux's shirt and jeans probably weren't helping him keep a proper circulation of warmth and blood throughout his system. He wasn't even wearing shoes. "Basically you're here to remind me that I suck, and have no real purpose anymore,"
He couldn't be serious. Not him, not Sollux. "No real--" He couldn't even finish the sentence he was so upset. Sollux had had a good deal of purpose, just as the rest of them had in the game. The fact that he'd stayed with those who had a set place in the timeline should have been proof enough. He wasn't exactly sure on the details, but he knew that to the blue team, at least, he'd been an indispensable asset. Equius wanted to say this, tell him how important he was, if not to the game, then to him... but his voice was caught in his throat. He wanted to ease his mind, to make him feel good about himself... but he still had answers, still had to see what he could piece together. It was the hardest battle of want and need he'd had in the longest while.
The worst part, was that he knew that once Sollux got like this, it would be difficult, near impossible, to drag him out regardless of the method. He had to get Sollux to spill all of this before he started helping, otherwise everything left unsaid would just fester beneath the surface until the most opportune moment presented itself, allowing him all the motivation he'd need to pull the same stunt all over again.
"Why me though?" He asked, changing his tone for the moment, trying to ignore how wrong it felt to be more or less taking advantage of his ignorance, even if it was only so he could fix whatever this problem of his was easier. It was a legitimate question as well; of all the people Sollux had interacted with, he certainly couldn't have been the top pick for hallucinogenic degradation. "Surely Aradia, or Peixes would fit this purpose more appropriately, neigh, Ampora, if we are speaking of black matters,"
He hadn't even realized the pun had slipped out until after it was all said and done. He pinched the bridge of his nose a bit, a bit embarrassed with himself, because now was not the time for horse puns, now was the time for worrying about Sollux, and no matter how unintentional, it was still a bit rude, and mood breaking. He didn't want them getting sidetracked from the heart of the matter here. He'd hoped for a moment that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't noticed, but he was laughing again, and it was still bitter, but had something else in it, something softer. He'd have said fondness, if he were brave enough, but admitting something so outlandish would do nothing but get his hopes up, and he was trying desperately not to do that right now.
"You know, Zahhak," he said, and his courage was showing, but the way his name fell upon chapped lips was... much different then what he remembered. He'd heard it only a handful of times to be truthful, but he was sure there had been more... th. "for phantasmagoria crafted from my psyche, you're pretty clueless on what exactly I'm talking about," He noticed the lack of it now, looked hard at Sollux as his head fell to his shoulder, his chest heaving visibly. He was growing nervous, but what about? Nothing between then had changed, nothing about his prior statement shared any form of privileged information. What was going on in his head?
"When you hate yourself as much as I do, you build walls. The only way to hurt me is to get passed them," He said it so easily, as if everything was so simple, but it wasn't. He didn't want Sollux to have to build walls, didn't want to remember that Sollux's self hate was much more potent then Karkat's... just quieter. "Aradia can do it, Karkat can do it, but for you, it's different,"
His lips upturned at the corners, his eyes crinkling at the sides-- he should have been seeing his dual set of incisors, but they were lost, missing, gone. Small dents dimpled his cheeks. It was the most genuine smile he'd ever seen Sollux possess, and it broke his heart, because it held nothing, absolutely nothing, other then the most terrible, heart wrenching sadness. "Nothing hurts quite like the slander of someone who you pity more than anything," his voice was just as sad as his smile, and he wanted so bad to just reach over and take him into his arms... but he was frozen. He still didn't understand what Sollux was trying to tell him, and if he didn't figure it out, then... how was he supposed ot help?
"Add on the fact that their death was ultimately the conclusion of several horrible life decisions on your part?" Sollux's shoulders tensed as he curled up in on himself. He was hurting, and it was horrible, but he couldn't move. He was realizing why Sollux had thought he was nothing more then his own mind, why he hadn't stopped to check for sure, why he hadn't opened his eyes. The lids were peaking open, just slightly, but instead of the bright, soulful colors that the programmer obsessed over... Equius saw nothing but black. A tear raced down the troll's cheek like rain. "That rips out your soul. Real simple stuff."
So many thoughts, at that one moment, clashed in his mind with the intensity of several heavy load freight trucks; something had happened to Sollux, something disastrous, something painful, something that had taken from him his sight and his lisp. Something had knocked out his teeth, ripped out his eyes, and he didn't know if he were more angry, or regretful. His fists clenched; he wanted nothing more then to trample whoever had done this into the cement, but this wasn't the time, nor the place. All he could do was blame himself for things-- not being there to protect him, not being strong enough to survive-- but anger at himself didn't change anything, and every second he wasn't near Sollux, holding him, protecting him, his heart ached worse then he'd even known to be possible.
Because there he was, sitting across from him; clutching pillows to his chest, thinking he was talking to a hallucination of someone he pitied(he still couldn't believe it) because he couldn't see that he was right there. He couldn't see that he wasn't just a figment of his imagination come to torture him for things that couldn't have been prevented, regardless of who's fault they were. He couldn't see that he was in arms reach of someone he pitied enough to still be nervous speaking of when he thought he was talking to his own imagination. He probably still thought he'd never see Equius again. It hurt that Sollux would blame himself so much for all of this that he would instantly think that Equius himself was merely something come to torment him for it, and not even think, hope, pray for even a second, that maybe... maybe he'd found some way to return.
He didn't say a word in protest, knew that it didn't matter, Sollux wasn't going to listen to him anyway if what he gathered from Aradia and Nepeta were correct. Instead, he shifted closer, took the pillows from him with more difficulty then he'd expected, but nothing he wasn't able to deal with-- it was the first bit of fight he'd seen in the troll since this entire conversation had started, and it gave Equius hope that he would eventually be able to pull him out of this funk-- and tucked the troll to his chest, cradling him as gently as he could,* but firmly enough that he couldn't escape if he tried. There was no way he was letting him go now, and as awkward as it was, as sure as he was that he was doing this all wrong, hugs were how Nepeta calmed him down, how Nepeta let him know he wasn't alone, and this was how he was going to get it across to Sollux that he wasn't alone either.
Even with his resolve, it still worried him that the troll wouldn't move. He just sat there, limp against his chest, nothing but awkwardly positioned dead weight, and if it weren't for the gentle heaves of his torso(his too skinny to be healthy torso; He needed to eat more) Equius would have thought him to be nothing more than a corpse. It felt like forever-- Sollux in his lap, one arm wrapped around his body, the other cradling his neck and gently, gently rubbing a thumb into the skin behind his ear-- before he got any response, and even then, it was minimal. His chest heaved slightly, very slightly, and hands came up, feeling him as they went. The hacker's forehead nuzzled his chest, as if testing to see if he was something more than a figment. Equius flushed, but tried to hold his thoughts back-- now was not the time.
"Eq...uius... ?" He whispered, so soft, so hoarse, almost as if he was more scared to receive an answer then not, that the taller troll wasn't even sure how he could hear it. He nodded absentmindedly before remembering that Sollux couldn't see him.
"I'm here, Sollux," He murmured, his voice low, soothing; like when he'd comforted Nepeta over her unrequited flushed feels for Vantas oh so long ago. He hoped it was how he was supposed to sound in this sort of situation, his lack of skill in this area made him doubt every action he took, but Sollux's hands distracted him from those thoughts. They moved upwards, slowly, as if trying to find their way in the dark; trailing across his chest, his shoulders, his collarbone. They strayed a bit on his neck and jaw before reaching further up, slowly feeling the contours of his face, his brow, his nose, his ears. His fingertips gently touched tall, uneven horns, and Equius shivered, but tried to ignore it, letting the smooth digits feel their way about him, but they didn't linger, didn't tease; only stayed long enough to confirm that yes, those were Equius Zahhak's horns he was touching.
Sollux's chest heaved, and he heard a wheeze, held back, afraid, as fingertips returned to his face, touching everywhere on his face once more. They stopped close to his lips, as if afraid to be bitten, but Equius saw this, and reached out, giving the boney fingertips the smallest of kisses. It was all very silly, and embarrassing, and in any other circumstance he'd be embarrassed enough to cease all activity together-- but it felt right, and like something that was supposed to happen.
And then Sollux was moving, squirming, shifting in his lap. He wasn't trying to leave like Equius had expected, but he was sitting up now, and he was facing him; or at least he was trying. His hands were on Equius' face, just holding him there, and his eyebrows were knotting as if he was trying really hard to see him, trying desperately to confirm with himself that yes, this is the real deal, no he's not an illusion, not it doesn't make sense, but he's here and that matters. Their noses bumped, making Sollux jump a bit, and so did he, because when had they gotten so close?
Equius could feel Sollux's forehead on his, his breath on his lips; the very thought of it was making his ears grow hot, and he was sure he'd started to sweat by now, but he didn't pull away. He couldn't. Sollux seemed just as nervous as he was-- licking his lips, shifting his position-- but he leaned forward anyway, and it was barely a brush, but it happened. There was a moment of pause, a moment where Equius tried to judge Sollux's thoughts from the nervous way his eyebrows knot, from the the way the corner of his eyes crinkled, before the troll leaned forwards again, and this time, Equius didn't let his shock hold him back. He leaned into the press of lips on lips, one of his well-toned arms slipping around Sollux's waist, the other crossing his back to hold him close. The hacker's fingers moved from Equius' face, one coming to rest on his neck, and the other digging fingers into the hair at the base of his scalp. They stayed like that for a while, heads tilted, touching everywhere they could, holding onto each other for dear life, and it was unlike anything Equius had ever felt before. He felt warm, and light-headed... like that final piece he'd been searching for had just fallen into his lap after years and years of searching.
But then Sollux began to shudder, and fumble, and his hands clenched, holding onto skin, hair, anything he could, and he for all the world seemed to think Equius would disappear if he didn't; and his head dipped, breaking the kiss, burying his nose into his neck. His arms moved to hold onto him tight, and Equius squeezed back just as hard, letting Sollux know he was there, letting himself know that Sollux was with him. He felt drops on his neck, but didn't call Sollux out on it, just rubbed his back like Nepeta would rub his whenever he had a bad day and needed the comfort.
"I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming," he cried, shaking his head in disbelief, fingers digging into his hoodie, looking for permanent handholds, and Equius just nuzzled him, held him tighter, protected him.
"You're not, you're not," He murmured into tattered hair, and if a couple of somethings fell down his cheek, Sollux said nothing about it.
It was a little later, after they'd fallen silent, after they'd started to grow numb, that the Equius moved. It wasn't much, just enough to grab a blanket and tuck it around the both of them, just enough to help Sollux slip up into his hoodie with him and huddle close. It wasn't until he heard the soft, even breathing of peacefully sleeping troll that he was able to fall into the sleep that had eluded him all evening.
THIS EPIC HAST BEEN REWRIT BY THE GODS OF DOOM
Word Count:
Notes: at the asterisk, know that "omfg the chorus of in the arms of an angel started playing right now no fucking joke"
More Notes: I kept the asterisk because that shit's perf. Also, it's 5:46 rn sooooooo ye
Humans were a complex simplicity. As a species? They were soft, squishy, too vulnerable to wounds of both the flesh and mind. Should one set of reproductive organs somehow cease to exist the whole species was done for. Their social system was mediocre at best, with too much ambiguity between classes, and too little proof of legitimate heirs. The lot of them were divided in more ways then one, be it language, appearance, location on the planet, religion, and without a worldwide government, he really didn't see how they had expected to survive much longer had the game never happened.
As real life people he talked to on a regular everyday basis? They could be some of the most intelligent, skeptical, foolish, creative, sarcastic, kind, ferocious, and just plain unusual creatures he'd ever had the uncertainty of meeting.
At first he'd attempted to apply the hemospectrum to them, but that quickly fell apart. Their social constructs were much too different, and the fact that their blood was all the same hue as one Karkat Vantas didn't particularly help. The next, most logical step, was to correctly categorize them as lower then the trolls, but something made him feel uneasy about that. Perhaps it was the fact that, despite their blatant inferiority, they'd all managed to go god tier. Not a fraction of them, like the troll players had managed, but all of them. Every single one.
But classification by blood color, even as a comfortable fallback to how life had once been for him, was something he had refrained from once he'd died. Even after being brought back, it lacked the usual importance the system had once held. As much as he hated to admit it, with only 12 trolls in the universe, there wasn't much need for it(especially considering who exactly made up that 12). The only use it had now, was determining power advantages, and who would be doing what work to help them settle onto this new planet. All it seemed to be getting him was the task of moving increasingly heavy objects from one location to the next, and back again.
Not that he minded; he enjoyed being able to showcase his strength as something more than a destructive hindrance. It was reassuring to know that no matter how difficult a time he'd had as a wiggler, he still had a use, or at least something he was good at that no one else excelled in. Not that he was without his competition: he was very surprised to find that, while still weak in comparison to himself, John was able to perform admirable feats of strength for a human. He liked to think privately to himself that, and he been a troll, they would have been of the same caste, and could have possibly gotten along(that wasn't to say that they didn't now, it was just that he found the boy's continuous pranks to be quite taxing, and a tad bit infurating. Luckily, the control over his strength that had come with his aging had also extended to his rage).
Most of his time not spent working or speaking softly with Nepeta in her quarters, were filled up with people watching. It had always been a habit of his, to just watch people as they went about their days, and he wondered occasionally if being born a void player had anything to do with this; even if lately, he'd found his subjects to be less and less appealing.
"It's beclaws you miss Sollicks," Nepeta told him one afternoon. One of the Striders had discovered something on the other end of the island that had required their attention, and with him went several of their taskforce, limiting him to either work on through the lull, or take a break. He decided on the latter and retreated to the kitchen to make a quick snack of some fresh fruit and milk.
Her words, while not exactly untrue, hadn't exactly occurred to him until just that moment, and had adequately caught him off guard. "I'm not sure we're speaking on the same topic," he added after a moment of thought.
"No no, we are," She affirmed, sticking some of his blueberries onto her claws and nibbling them off between her words. "You said so yourself, you're purretty flushed for him. When we were on the meteor, who did you watch the most?"
"Sollux," he admitted, "But that was only because--"
"Ah, ah," A berry to his lips cut him off. He blinked at her, but she just pressed it a little harder and he took it off her claw. "Whether it was because of Aradia, or because of you being co-leader and keeping an eye on our team like it still mattered, or whate--" She paused mid-sentence, her ears twitching ever so slightly as she became absorbed in her surroundings. They stayed like that for a couple of minutes, Nepeta listening, and Equius straining to hear... whatever it was she did.
"... Nepet--"
"Shh!" She cut him off again, her eyes sliding closed and her ears revolving slightly. He marveled for a moment, as he always did when she did this. He still couldn't understand how her ears could physically move like that. "Do you hear something?" She asked softly, and he shook his head.
"Nothing," He watched her for a few more seconds, before she relaxed, and removed herself from her crouched position on the kitchen counter. "What was it, do you know?" He inquired, but she just shook her head and stole some more of his berries.
"No idea," She said, popping the fruits into her mouth and chewing thoughtfully around them. "Whatever it was, it's gone now," She turned to regard him again, her mind now back to the subject at hand, and while it was all very clarifying, Eqiuis still wished, even just a little bit, that she'd forgotten so that he could mull over everything on his own a little bit more first. "But whatefur the reason, you were watching Sollicks because something about him kept your attention. We didn't know then, but we do now; and now that he's gone, you're missing him, and it's showing in your lack of enjoyment in the things you really like to do,"
Equius nodded gravely. It did all make sense, if you were attempting to make sense of another mobius double reach around. "I'm just not sure how this all occurred in the first place," he sighed, taking a bite or two before Nepeta relinquished him of all his fruit. "It's udderly ridiculous that I could have feelings for Sollux and Aradia for the same quadrant at the same time," He looked up to her after a moment. "Isn't it?"
"You can't really control your heart, Equius," she murmured, her tongue lapping out to clean her claws of the berry juices. "It does what it wants, and you either keep up or get left behind. With Sollicks..." She shook her head a bit, brushing her long fringe out of her eyes, and Equius reached over dutifully to tuck it behind her ear. She smiled a thank you, and he decided right then and there that he'd give her a haircut by the end of the week.
"With Sollicks, I think you liked him a lot earlier then you realize, but you were focusing all your time and energy on Aradia, and things she wanted to do, and those feelings got buried," Her eyebrows knot a bit, her teeth coming to nibble on her knuckle. "Now that I think about it, this explains a lot of the weird stuff I'd seen..."
"I beg your pardon?" Weird stuff? Whatever was she talking about? It couldn't have been him, could it? Surely she would have mentioned something before now... Nepeta shook her head a bit before continuing.
"I just found it purretty odd that you two were paying so much attention to each other yet the both of you were going out of your way to not even come in visual contact," She shrugged. Equius looked down at his bowl of milk, all the fruit having been devoured between the two of them during their discussion. It wasn't particularly surprising that Sollux had been paying attention to him. All things considered, he was surprised he hadn't gotten challenged, or even a dirty look(that he'd noticed). Well, that wasn't exactly true, he had gotten the occasional glare, but it mostly took place when he'd had to go and talk the troll into fixing up some computers. He'd always assumed it was because of his relationship with Aradia, once he'd been made aware of their past.
"So what about this disappearance, then?" He inquired, reaching to tuck his hair back behind his ear. It was a lot longer now, and he wasn't so sure if he liked it or not. Nepeta had taken a liking to playing with it in the evenings, and it certainly felt nice to have fingers cart through his hair, but it was also very frivolous, and being frivolous, even if Nepeta insisted he'd earned it, wasn't something he felt to comfortable being at the moment. For work purposes, she'd tied it back in a braid for him to keep it out of his face. He was almost positive she took all the free time she could when his back was turned to play with it. "Would this sort of behoovior be considered off for a troll like Captor?"
"Not really," Nepeta admitted, pulling a tall glass from the cabinet and the milk from the fridge. She filled it to roughly the top, before placing the carton back, and exchanging the glass for his bowl. "Whenefur Aradia and I would flarp, we stopped to check up on him a lot. He was always furgetting to feed himself, and did this weird, half-of-my-think-pan's-asleep-and-the-other's-not thing if he was on a purrgramming binge,"
"I see..." Equius murmured, looking in to his glass before taking several gulps and downing half of it. The best thing about Humans was that the milk they alchemized tasted exactly like hoofbeast milk. It wasn't the same as Arthours, but it still tasted high quality. "So I shouldn't worry, then,"
"Purrobably not," She said before downing the rest of the bowl's berry milk. She mewed a tiny bit, a lot like how she did when her tea was at the correct temperature and sweetness on the first sip. "But you will anyway,"
"Will I, now," He challenged, taking the bowl from her and placing it in the sink. Normally he would have cleaned it out himself, but it was Eridan's turn to do the dishes and a steady pile had already grown for the troll to handle after supper later that evening. "What makes you say that?"
She giggled, hopping out of her chair and bouncing excitably around on her feet. She seemed about ready to head back to work. "I've told you before, Equius," Her smile was just as playful as her footsteps. "You're transpurrent,"
Even with all her words of comfort, Equius still found it difficult for him to close his eyes when night time came. They had all switched over to a diurnal schedule one they'd landed, which had been both difficult and not so much; while he'd always strived to sleep at a decent hour, he knew from personal experience how easily it was for time to slip away into daylight. This was especially prevalent when you considered that all of the trolls were, in every applicable form of the word, adolescents who were usually too deep in their hives at odd hours and had no idea exactly how bright it had gotten outside until after venturing towards the nutrition black for a midday snack.
He was actually thinking of doing just that. Even with mostly adjusting to sleeping when he was used to being up for hours of a time, he still found nights where this bed and his tire were not a strong enough elixir to cast off his wandering mind. There were times when he remembered Arthour, remembered Alternia, remembered that had life continued, their leader would have been culled for being different, Nitram for his disability, Makara for his nonviolence... and while Pyrope stood the best chance of survival, if she wasn't careful, she would have been picked off like all the rest. Peixes would have faced troubles as well. Tyrian or not, the political pressure to keep things the way they were and her wishes to make a more peaceful society when so many trolls just down right enjoyed hurting, enjoyed killing, and maiming, and destruction, would have created a lot of unrest. He knew from how society had worked, that if she hadn't given in to the social norms and taken out her attackers with the swift cold-heartedness their race demanded of their queen, then the pressures would surely tear her apart.
But that was all in the past, all things that were thought of more in conjecture then in any deep seeded dread he may or may not have acknowledged. Instead, he tried to think of other things to take his mind. The garden Jade and Kanaya were dutifully tending, the discoveries Nepeta and Jake returned with and shared every evening they ventured out onto the island, the possibility for intelligent life to already exist, despite the fact they'd yet to discover it(Jade had insisted it was more then possible, it was practically guaranteed; she'd thought her and her grandpa-lusus had been the only humans before her discovery of the internet), they all turned this way and that inside his skull when sleep was especially elusive, but there was more then that.
He worried, mostly; unfounded thoughts rooted in fear rather then careful observation and logic. He worried about the monsters on the island, about the chance his moirail would fail to return from her adventures despite her admirable skill, regardless of how preposterous a notion it was. He worried if Gamzee would try to kill them all again, if Eridan would snap, if Vriska would throw them all under the bus just so she could save them and prove herself a hero-- an unnecessary habit she'd developed early on after she'd first entered the medium. He worried that the kids would turn on them, leave them stranded; worried that even with their collaborative win of the game they'd be driven apart and lose the last bit of sanity they owned.
He worried that they'd never find Sollux.
He spent most of his time trying to reassure himself on this one, because it kept him up more then any of the other topics he allowed himself to mull over. Sollux was reclusive; liked to keep to himself, if he could help it. The only one's he'd even talked to of his own violation in the game had been Feferi, so far as he knew, and he'd tried not to think too much of it at the time, because the thought of someone so high with someone so low had made his insides churn; both because of the situation, as well as the mirror that was his and Aradia's relationship(though that had been a mirror in color distance only. The emotions and inner workings had been much much different). His conversation with Nepeta that afternoon had been another good point. If Sollux were used to going weeks at a time without properly taking care of himself, then he couldn't be too worse for wear. And if Aradia had been truthful that he was only half-alive, then he may not even need to worry about such things like food and sleep at all.
He sat up, legs crossing at the ankles while his hands pushed gently at his eyes and covered up his face. Half-alive was the same as half-dead, and that single thought had negated every uplifting one that had come before it. Any sleep he'd come close to reaching was now out of sight, shot off at light speed into the depths of the outer ring, and into the clutches of some stray horrorterror. It would be a while before he could in good conscience lay down for another shot at rest, but he was lucky enough to have the teachings of a wonderful lusus to work off of, as well as many late nights tinkering on robots until just before dusk. It might not help his worry, but a warm glass of milk might just gift him with enough of a distraction to allow sleep to take it's hopefully dreamless hold.
The steel floor was like ice on his toes, sending shivers along his spine and causing his skin to break out in gooseflesh. He shook his head lightly, more of an involuntary act than anything else, before he stood and stepped lightly towards his wardrobe. It was large, and ornate, and had carvings in the wood that looked like vines, or generic floral shapes. He kept what little clothes he had in there-- a couple sets of his usual outfit, anything Nepeta had alchemized for him-- as well as a couple of trinkets, or spare robot parts he hadn't gotten around to restoring or reusing yet. Once they'd arrived, the kids had gone on a massive undertaking to make pull over hoodies for each of the aspects; a silly idea, or so he'd thought when he found out about it. At the moment, however, the cold was making him rethink this, and he mumbled to himself about it as he manouvered the cloth around his horns and pulled it on. It didn't help his feet, but he resolved to deal with that at a later time-- he only had one pair of clean socks left, and he needed those for tomorrow.
As underclass and uncouth as he felt, he couldn't deny that he was at least warmer. The planet was getting colder too. Three of the humans had started chattering about 'fall', and 'snow', and how they'd need to get the shelters built before the golden ship became their 'snow chamber of ice cube hibernation'. He had no idea what any of this meant, but he assumed it was their way of implying it was only going to get colder. Alternia hadn't been one specific temperature all over-- climate and environment had always been important factors-- but worldwide it had been pretty constant, and to think that giant fluctuations might be in their future was a bit worrysome. The humans didn't seem all that bothered by it, but he'd seen a couple of the trolls exchange worried looks. Each troll dealt with temperature fluctuations differently-- back on Alternia, if it got too cold, Nepeta would forgo her cave for sunbathing, which he'd always thought to be a bit dangerous, but it wasn't like he could have policed it from so far away. His own methods were more along the 'deal with it' category, mostly because such a thing was considered in certain circles of high society as an admirable trait. Still, now that he needn't worry, he supposed he could expand his wardrobe to consist of warmer clothing. He'd have to talk to Maryam about it later.
The trek from his room to the kitchen was very quick paced, as every step made him realize how cold he really was, but was very slow in coming. He still didn't really understand the layout of these halls, a weakness he'd have to remedy soon, but at least getting lost gave his mind a break from all the doubtless worry he'd been plagued with as of late. It was taxing, and if not for his constant vigilance, would have affected his daytime work, which he couldn't have, if only to appease his pride. He liked being useful; it made him feel like his strength wasn't as freakish as several factors in his life usually led him to believe. After all, what sort of troll accidently harms his lusus when trying only to bestow affection?
But that was a thought for another day; in his semi-aware wanderings, he'd managed to locate the kitchen without rousing anyone else from their various states of slumber. In a way this worried him-- if everyone was sleeping deeply, then what if they were attacked at this hour? But then, they weren't in any particular danger of predators if the past couple of days were of any indication, so he didn't bring it up in any of the afternoon meetings Karkat had insisted upon holding at least once a week to gauge their overall progress.
The kitchen hadn't changed fundamentally since earlier that day. It may have been a bit cleaner, with a thicker scent of flour and vanilla in the air, but he'd caught a glance of Feferi and Jane in the kitchen earlier on in the evening, sometime after dinner, so it wasn't that much of a surprise. No doubt they'd been cooking up some assortment of baked goods that they had dutifully hidden away so that those with sticky fingers didn't devour them before the day was through. His nose wrinkled a bit at the strength of it all, his feet taking him to the cabinet the glasses were kept in. He retrieved one for his milk, and ignored the nearby light switch in favor of the moon's natural illumination as he took hold of the refrigerator handle.
Something made him stop, his whole body stilled as the feeling of not being alone finally hit him. His head turned slowly, looking every direction for the source of his unease, and finding everything as it had been seconds before. Nothing had been moved, no one was there... he toed himself out towards the hallway, but it was as barren as when he'd first passed through. He looked around cautiously, a bit suspicious as he returned to the fridge; his footsteps slow and quiet so he could catch anything odd, should it reappear. There were three sprites, he reminded himself, one of which frequented the kitchens often, so maybe it was her? He shook his head to rid himself of any momentary fear. There was no reason for him to be scared of all things. The mere thought was ludicrous.
But it happened again, something pushed him out of his internal comfort zone, made him question what else could possibly be on the ship that he couldn't see. Spirits? No, that didn't make sense, Aradia would have surely mentioned something if she'd met any new 'friends'. The sprites were still a possibility, but they usually showed themselves by now. It was only around the third, fourth, fifth time it happened, that Equius realized what was unbalancing his equilibrium in the first place.
There was a shifting sound, and he couldn't tell where it was coming from.
It was the shift of cloth against cloth, the sound of someone slipping between bed sheets. It wasn't a sound that should be coming from the kitchen, or anywhere nearby the kitchen; all the respiteblocks were in another section of the ship, some even still resided on the meteor(though this was mostly the six trolls who had survived the actual game and spent roughly a sweep and a half making themselves comfortable. Most everyone else took a place on the ship, or moved between the two locations). But he was sure he wasn't just hearing things, he was positive that he was hearing something.
And then, after searching the room with his eyes for the fifth time, his muscles tense with adrenaline, his eyes managed to catch a slight fluctuation in the light. The ceiling was designed to look like a crosshatch grid, but he'd only thought it was an intricate decoration, complete with indentations into the steel. Now that he took a closer look, he found what he'd thought to be mere design was actual ceiling panels, and one was cracked open enough to be noticed. His eyebrows knot as he took tentative steps towards it; what could have fit itself up in there? He couldn't imagine it was any sort of spacious, but then, that might have just been because of his relative size. Whatever was inside didn't seem to notice him, despite his proximity, even after he'd lifted himself up onto the counter. He eased the hatch open a bit more, and while the shuffling grew louder, the light filtering in, as well as two small, beady lights nearby, illuminated enough for him to see that, whatever was up there, was roughly troll sized(or human, really, they weren't that much different) and had a thin, unthreatening build.
He would have thought it was Davesprite if he hadn't already gotten a hint of a foot in the small collection of light he'd managed to allow inside. It was definitely someone; a kid he hadn't yet seen? It was possible, though unlikely. He pushed the hatch open further, giving him enough room to pull himself up and actually get inside. It was actually a bigger space then he'd first imagined-- small, and cramped, but from what he could see, he'd more than likely have just enough room to stretch out like a starfish. He tried to crawl in a bit further, but standing on his knees had his taller horn scraping slightly against the roof, so he had to duck a bit. Once inside, the rustling was louder, and he could see cushions being thrown every which way, some of which he had to dodge. He nearly fell over, which wouldn't have been horrible, as the floor if this block seemed to be cushioned rather well, but his foot caught the door hatch, and before he could unstick himself, he'd sealed off his exit, and plunged the space back into infinite darkness.
"Ah!" He stumbled, jerking a bit at how loud the click had been, when everything else had been as quiet as a whisper. He was a bit embarrassed at his how clumsy he'd been, and he would have had the decency to apologize, if his new companion had even noticed it in the first place. Instead, they were still tossing about cushions, two of which, he managed to catch with his face. In an attempt to gather his wits, one arm came up to shield his face. He was crouching to keep form hitting his horn, and his free hand had just managed to find the source of the small glowing dot of light-- it was a husktop, oddly enough-- and open it.
Light flooded the small block, and Equius found himself suppressing a hiss as he was almost blinded. It took a couple of minutes for his eyes to adjust-- he really wished he still had his glasses, they would be a marvelous help about now-- but eventually he could open them again, and thankfully, all throwing of cushions had stopped. Now able to gather his bearings, he looked up to greet his companion, who must have noticed him by now, he was sure, and felt all the words he may have been contemplating leave him without any forewarning.
Sitting not even two feet away, clutching two pillows to his chest like he would die if he let them go, was Sollux. He looked sick, a bit gaunt, not a thing like the Sollux he knew. He was hoping that it was just the computer lighting that made him look like a corpse, but 'half-dead' flashed through his mind, and then his hand was reaching out, and he could see it, looked at it like he wasn't sure what it was doing, but it was headed for Sollux, and he... wasn't really sure he was even there. This was a dream, wasn't it?
But his voice sounded like him, sounded like how he did when he mumbled; a sound Equius hadn't realized he'd paid so much attention to at six sweeps, but it made sense. How else would he notice the slight differences? The rasp that came with little use, the oddity with which he spoke, as if his whole voice had changed and he wasn't quite sure what to do with himself. "Don't even know what I'm getting worked up over..." was all he could make out of the jumble of sounds, the rest of them caught in the pillows he was holding so tightly to himself.
"I was wondering that myself, actually," He'd said before he'd even known he was forming a reply, yet it was softer than expected. This didn't stop Sollux from hearing it, and he froze almost as quickly as Equius had just a minute or two ago when he'd heard an impossible noise from somewhere in the kitchen. He hadn't exactly been the quietest of sleuths, so he wasn't sure how the troll before him could even be surprised by his presence, but he did notice that Sollux had headphones hanging around his neck. They must have slipped off when he'd been digging for cushions. Or maybe he'd been so wrapped up in whatever had worried him, that he'd blocked everything else out.
The tension was thick, pulsing in the air with a righteousness he'd never known an abstract concept to have; through Sollux's shoulders, neck, fingers, every second dragging on into forever and worsening his posture. He seemed angry, guarded, like something horrendously wrong had occurred, and Equius thought for a moment that maybe Sollux didn't want to be found, that, as hard as this would be, perhaps he should leave and try to forget all if this... but then he relaxed, his shoulders falling with a slump, his lips curling into an expression akin to that of bitter understanding before falling forward into the pillow in utter abandon.
When he spoke again, it was to the pillows, words forming for their nonexistent ears that he could only catch a faint meaning from. He leaned a bit closer, straining for something to work off of, something that could tell him how to react, but all he managed to do was add the slightest bit of annoyance to his multitude of confusion. "What are you mumbling about," He hadn't meant ot sound rude, it just came out that way. He'd calmed his rage a good deal within the past sweep or so, but it still surfaced from time to time, and while it was more than likely that his intentions were not to take it out on Sollux, it still happened.
"It's simple," the programmer lifted his head from his cushions, his words dripping with bitter loathing and laughter. "In my isolation, I've let my collective negativity swallow be whole like a voracious hissbeast with its prey, and in the process decided that my fucking up everything was not enough to torture me with, and went ot the new low of conjuring up a hallucination. That would be you,"
A hallu... he couldn't be serious. He must have been joking, he did that occasionally, right? He still sounded off, but the words sounded like something he'd say, still the same self-loathing he'd always suspected was merely for attention, but was now sort of realizing was more serious then it should have been. He'd always known Sollux had a couple of problems, they all did, really, but this was just a bit too overboard to not be some sort of joke. "You... think I'm a hallucination?" He didn't want to think about the implications should Sollux honestly think that.
"Apparition, illusion, delusion, figment of my imagination, take your pick," was the response he received, and his heart constricted just a bit. No, this can't be, couldn't be right. He tried to look into Sollux's eyes, look for the mischievousness they'd held when he'd talk with Feferi back on the meteor a sweep and a half ago... but there was nothing. His eyes were closed, long lashes dusting his cheeks in the artificial light, fringe that had grown too long falling in front of everything, almost like he never used them anymore(he decided that if he were going to cut Nepeta's hair, he should trim Sollux's as well). Another thing that irked him was his lack of glasses. He'd always had them always, and he liked to think that the yellowblood would have cared a great deal about them, if not because they helped his eyes, then because they kept to his love of duality.
He shifted a bit, leaning against the wall as goosebumps broke out across his skin. It reminded Equius of how cold he'd been before, and how this room, didn't seem to have that much insulation. It was smack in the middle of the ship, yeah, but the walls were still cold, still made him shiver when he touched them. Sollux's shirt and jeans probably weren't helping him keep a proper circulation of warmth and blood throughout his system. He wasn't even wearing shoes. "Basically you're here to remind me that I suck, and have no real purpose anymore,"
He couldn't be serious. Not him, not Sollux. "No real--" He couldn't even finish the sentence he was so upset. Sollux had had a good deal of purpose, just as the rest of them had in the game. The fact that he'd stayed with those who had a set place in the timeline should have been proof enough. He wasn't exactly sure on the details, but he knew that to the blue team, at least, he'd been an indispensable asset. Equius wanted to say this, tell him how important he was, if not to the game, then to him... but his voice was caught in his throat. He wanted to ease his mind, to make him feel good about himself... but he still had answers, still had to see what he could piece together. It was the hardest battle of want and need he'd had in the longest while.
The worst part, was that he knew that once Sollux got like this, it would be difficult, near impossible, to drag him out regardless of the method. He had to get Sollux to spill all of this before he started helping, otherwise everything left unsaid would just fester beneath the surface until the most opportune moment presented itself, allowing him all the motivation he'd need to pull the same stunt all over again.
"Why me though?" He asked, changing his tone for the moment, trying to ignore how wrong it felt to be more or less taking advantage of his ignorance, even if it was only so he could fix whatever this problem of his was easier. It was a legitimate question as well; of all the people Sollux had interacted with, he certainly couldn't have been the top pick for hallucinogenic degradation. "Surely Aradia, or Peixes would fit this purpose more appropriately, neigh, Ampora, if we are speaking of black matters,"
He hadn't even realized the pun had slipped out until after it was all said and done. He pinched the bridge of his nose a bit, a bit embarrassed with himself, because now was not the time for horse puns, now was the time for worrying about Sollux, and no matter how unintentional, it was still a bit rude, and mood breaking. He didn't want them getting sidetracked from the heart of the matter here. He'd hoped for a moment that maybe, just maybe, he hadn't noticed, but he was laughing again, and it was still bitter, but had something else in it, something softer. He'd have said fondness, if he were brave enough, but admitting something so outlandish would do nothing but get his hopes up, and he was trying desperately not to do that right now.
"You know, Zahhak," he said, and his courage was showing, but the way his name fell upon chapped lips was... much different then what he remembered. He'd heard it only a handful of times to be truthful, but he was sure there had been more... th. "for phantasmagoria crafted from my psyche, you're pretty clueless on what exactly I'm talking about," He noticed the lack of it now, looked hard at Sollux as his head fell to his shoulder, his chest heaving visibly. He was growing nervous, but what about? Nothing between then had changed, nothing about his prior statement shared any form of privileged information. What was going on in his head?
"When you hate yourself as much as I do, you build walls. The only way to hurt me is to get passed them," He said it so easily, as if everything was so simple, but it wasn't. He didn't want Sollux to have to build walls, didn't want to remember that Sollux's self hate was much more potent then Karkat's... just quieter. "Aradia can do it, Karkat can do it, but for you, it's different,"
His lips upturned at the corners, his eyes crinkling at the sides-- he should have been seeing his dual set of incisors, but they were lost, missing, gone. Small dents dimpled his cheeks. It was the most genuine smile he'd ever seen Sollux possess, and it broke his heart, because it held nothing, absolutely nothing, other then the most terrible, heart wrenching sadness. "Nothing hurts quite like the slander of someone who you pity more than anything," his voice was just as sad as his smile, and he wanted so bad to just reach over and take him into his arms... but he was frozen. He still didn't understand what Sollux was trying to tell him, and if he didn't figure it out, then... how was he supposed ot help?
"Add on the fact that their death was ultimately the conclusion of several horrible life decisions on your part?" Sollux's shoulders tensed as he curled up in on himself. He was hurting, and it was horrible, but he couldn't move. He was realizing why Sollux had thought he was nothing more then his own mind, why he hadn't stopped to check for sure, why he hadn't opened his eyes. The lids were peaking open, just slightly, but instead of the bright, soulful colors that the programmer obsessed over... Equius saw nothing but black. A tear raced down the troll's cheek like rain. "That rips out your soul. Real simple stuff."
So many thoughts, at that one moment, clashed in his mind with the intensity of several heavy load freight trucks; something had happened to Sollux, something disastrous, something painful, something that had taken from him his sight and his lisp. Something had knocked out his teeth, ripped out his eyes, and he didn't know if he were more angry, or regretful. His fists clenched; he wanted nothing more then to trample whoever had done this into the cement, but this wasn't the time, nor the place. All he could do was blame himself for things-- not being there to protect him, not being strong enough to survive-- but anger at himself didn't change anything, and every second he wasn't near Sollux, holding him, protecting him, his heart ached worse then he'd even known to be possible.
Because there he was, sitting across from him; clutching pillows to his chest, thinking he was talking to a hallucination of someone he pitied(he still couldn't believe it) because he couldn't see that he was right there. He couldn't see that he wasn't just a figment of his imagination come to torture him for things that couldn't have been prevented, regardless of who's fault they were. He couldn't see that he was in arms reach of someone he pitied enough to still be nervous speaking of when he thought he was talking to his own imagination. He probably still thought he'd never see Equius again. It hurt that Sollux would blame himself so much for all of this that he would instantly think that Equius himself was merely something come to torment him for it, and not even think, hope, pray for even a second, that maybe... maybe he'd found some way to return.
He didn't say a word in protest, knew that it didn't matter, Sollux wasn't going to listen to him anyway if what he gathered from Aradia and Nepeta were correct. Instead, he shifted closer, took the pillows from him with more difficulty then he'd expected, but nothing he wasn't able to deal with-- it was the first bit of fight he'd seen in the troll since this entire conversation had started, and it gave Equius hope that he would eventually be able to pull him out of this funk-- and tucked the troll to his chest, cradling him as gently as he could,* but firmly enough that he couldn't escape if he tried. There was no way he was letting him go now, and as awkward as it was, as sure as he was that he was doing this all wrong, hugs were how Nepeta calmed him down, how Nepeta let him know he wasn't alone, and this was how he was going to get it across to Sollux that he wasn't alone either.
Even with his resolve, it still worried him that the troll wouldn't move. He just sat there, limp against his chest, nothing but awkwardly positioned dead weight, and if it weren't for the gentle heaves of his torso(his too skinny to be healthy torso; He needed to eat more) Equius would have thought him to be nothing more than a corpse. It felt like forever-- Sollux in his lap, one arm wrapped around his body, the other cradling his neck and gently, gently rubbing a thumb into the skin behind his ear-- before he got any response, and even then, it was minimal. His chest heaved slightly, very slightly, and hands came up, feeling him as they went. The hacker's forehead nuzzled his chest, as if testing to see if he was something more than a figment. Equius flushed, but tried to hold his thoughts back-- now was not the time.
"Eq...uius... ?" He whispered, so soft, so hoarse, almost as if he was more scared to receive an answer then not, that the taller troll wasn't even sure how he could hear it. He nodded absentmindedly before remembering that Sollux couldn't see him.
"I'm here, Sollux," He murmured, his voice low, soothing; like when he'd comforted Nepeta over her unrequited flushed feels for Vantas oh so long ago. He hoped it was how he was supposed to sound in this sort of situation, his lack of skill in this area made him doubt every action he took, but Sollux's hands distracted him from those thoughts. They moved upwards, slowly, as if trying to find their way in the dark; trailing across his chest, his shoulders, his collarbone. They strayed a bit on his neck and jaw before reaching further up, slowly feeling the contours of his face, his brow, his nose, his ears. His fingertips gently touched tall, uneven horns, and Equius shivered, but tried to ignore it, letting the smooth digits feel their way about him, but they didn't linger, didn't tease; only stayed long enough to confirm that yes, those were Equius Zahhak's horns he was touching.
Sollux's chest heaved, and he heard a wheeze, held back, afraid, as fingertips returned to his face, touching everywhere on his face once more. They stopped close to his lips, as if afraid to be bitten, but Equius saw this, and reached out, giving the boney fingertips the smallest of kisses. It was all very silly, and embarrassing, and in any other circumstance he'd be embarrassed enough to cease all activity together-- but it felt right, and like something that was supposed to happen.
And then Sollux was moving, squirming, shifting in his lap. He wasn't trying to leave like Equius had expected, but he was sitting up now, and he was facing him; or at least he was trying. His hands were on Equius' face, just holding him there, and his eyebrows were knotting as if he was trying really hard to see him, trying desperately to confirm with himself that yes, this is the real deal, no he's not an illusion, not it doesn't make sense, but he's here and that matters. Their noses bumped, making Sollux jump a bit, and so did he, because when had they gotten so close?
Equius could feel Sollux's forehead on his, his breath on his lips; the very thought of it was making his ears grow hot, and he was sure he'd started to sweat by now, but he didn't pull away. He couldn't. Sollux seemed just as nervous as he was-- licking his lips, shifting his position-- but he leaned forward anyway, and it was barely a brush, but it happened. There was a moment of pause, a moment where Equius tried to judge Sollux's thoughts from the nervous way his eyebrows knot, from the the way the corner of his eyes crinkled, before the troll leaned forwards again, and this time, Equius didn't let his shock hold him back. He leaned into the press of lips on lips, one of his well-toned arms slipping around Sollux's waist, the other crossing his back to hold him close. The hacker's fingers moved from Equius' face, one coming to rest on his neck, and the other digging fingers into the hair at the base of his scalp. They stayed like that for a while, heads tilted, touching everywhere they could, holding onto each other for dear life, and it was unlike anything Equius had ever felt before. He felt warm, and light-headed... like that final piece he'd been searching for had just fallen into his lap after years and years of searching.
But then Sollux began to shudder, and fumble, and his hands clenched, holding onto skin, hair, anything he could, and he for all the world seemed to think Equius would disappear if he didn't; and his head dipped, breaking the kiss, burying his nose into his neck. His arms moved to hold onto him tight, and Equius squeezed back just as hard, letting Sollux know he was there, letting himself know that Sollux was with him. He felt drops on his neck, but didn't call Sollux out on it, just rubbed his back like Nepeta would rub his whenever he had a bad day and needed the comfort.
"I'm dreaming, I'm dreaming," he cried, shaking his head in disbelief, fingers digging into his hoodie, looking for permanent handholds, and Equius just nuzzled him, held him tighter, protected him.
"You're not, you're not," He murmured into tattered hair, and if a couple of somethings fell down his cheek, Sollux said nothing about it.
It was a little later, after they'd fallen silent, after they'd started to grow numb, that the Equius moved. It wasn't much, just enough to grab a blanket and tuck it around the both of them, just enough to help Sollux slip up into his hoodie with him and huddle close. It wasn't until he heard the soft, even breathing of peacefully sleeping troll that he was able to fall into the sleep that had eluded him all evening.
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Date: 2012-08-24 04:16 pm (UTC)